Co-Regulation vs Self-Regulation: What Infants Really Need From Us
Co-Regulation vs Self-Regulation: What Infants Really Need From Us
In early years education and infant care, the terms co-regulation and self-regulation are often used interchangeably. While closely connected, they are not the same thing, and misunderstanding the difference can lead to unrealistic expectations being placed on babies and young children.
Understanding this distinction is essential for anyone working with infants and families, particularly when supporting behaviour, sleep, feeding, and emotional development.
What Is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation refers to the process by which a caregiver helps a baby or young child regulate their emotions, physiology, and stress responses before they are able to do this independently.
Infants are born with, an immature nervous system, limited capacity to manage stress and no ability to regulate arousal, fear, or distress on their own.
Instead, they rely on responsive adults to help regulate their heart rate, breathing, emotional states and sensory input.
Co-regulation happens through everyday interactions such as:
- holding and rocking,
- responding to crying,
- predictable routines,
- warm facial expressions and tone of voice,
- meeting physical and emotional needs consistently.
From a neurodevelopmental perspective, this is foundational.
What Is Self-Regulation?
Self-regulation is the ability to manage emotions, behaviour, and physiological states independently. This includes:
- calming oneself when distressed,
- tolerating frustration,
- delaying impulses,
- maintaining emotional balance.
Crucially, self-regulation is not present in infancy.
Research consistently shows that self-regulation develops gradually across early childhood and into adolescence, alongside brain maturation, particularly in the prefrontal cortex. Expecting a baby to self-regulate is therefore developmentally inappropriate.
Self-regulation emerges from repeated experiences of co-regulation, not from being left to manage distress alone.
Why Infants Cannot “Learn” Self-Regulation Through Distress
A common misconception is that babies must experience distress independently in order to “learn” how to calm themselves.
Current developmental neuroscience does not support this idea.
When an infant experiences stress:
- their sympathetic nervous system activates,
- cortisol levels rise,
- the body moves into survival mode.
Without caregiver support, the infant is not learning calm, they are simply enduring stress until exhaustion occurs. While outward behaviour may quieten, this is not regulation and does not reflect emotional learning. Co-regulation, by contrast, helps the infant’s nervous system repeatedly return to baseline with support, gradually strengthening regulatory pathways over time.
The Role of Attachment in Regulation
Attachment theory provides a vital framework for understanding regulation.
John Bowlby described attachment not as dependency, but as a biological system designed to keep infants close to caregivers for safety and regulation.
Secure attachment develops when caregivers are:
- emotionally available,
- responsive to cues,
- consistent in meeting needs.
Through this relationship, children internalise patterns of safety and begin to develop emerging self-regulatory skills later, when their neurological development allows.
Co-Regulation in Everyday Practice
For early years practitioners, co-regulation shows up in many everyday scenarios:
Sleep: Babies waking and needing reassurance are not failing to self-settle, they are seeking regulation during light sleep or stress.
Crying: Responding promptly does not reinforce distress; it helps down-regulate the stress response.
Transitions: Young children often need adult support during separation, handovers, and environmental changes.
“Challenging” behaviour: Behaviours such as hitting, biting, or emotional outbursts are often signs of overwhelmed regulation systems, not intentional misbehaviour.
When Does Self-Regulation Begin to Develop?
Self-regulation begins to emerge gradually:
- in toddlerhood,
- strengthens through preschool years,
- continues developing into adolescence.
Even then, children still rely on adult co-regulation during periods of illness, stress, sensory overload, or change.
Needing support does not mean regulation has failed, parents are doing a “bad” job or children are being manipulative, it means the nervous system requires help.
Reframing Independence in Early Years
True independence is not created by withdrawing support early.
Instead, independence grows when children feel:
- emotionally safe,
- consistently supported,
- confident that help is available when needed.
This understanding allows practitioners to support families with reassurance, rather than encouraging strategies that expect skills before a child is developmentally ready.
What Does This Mean in Practice?
For infant practitioners, understanding co-regulation:
- prevents unrealistic expectations of babies,
- supports emotionally responsive caregiving,
- aligns practice with developmental science,
- improves communication with parents,
- and safeguards infant mental health.
It also allows professionals to confidently challenge outdated narratives around “self-soothing” and independence, using evidence-based explanations rather than judgement.
Co-regulation is not a phase to rush through, it is the pathway through which self-regulation develops and when we support regulation early, we are not delaying independence, we are building the foundations for it.
Further Reading & Evidence Base
- John Bowlby – Attachment and Loss
- Edward Tronick – Still Face Experiment
- Allan Schore – Right-brain regulation and caregiver attunement
- NICE – Early years social and emotional development guidance
- UNICEF Baby Friendly Initiative – Responsive caregiving standards
